The horn of Blitzø's van blared as Blitzø sank into it, tears pouring out. He couldn't stop crying, and he couldn't bring himself to leave, to accept this bullsh*t.
"I love you," Blitzø whimpered, "I love you goddammit, Stolas. f*ck, why couldn't I just say that? Coz I'm f*cking pathetic, that's why."
He wiped at his tears. And again, and again, trying to dry his face. But there was so much, there was no getting rid of them, no getting rid of the evidence of his sadness.
Gradually, he lifted his face off the wheel. Arching back, he tilted his head back, trying to stop more tears from falling. Impossible. f*ck, he hated feeling like this. He hated himself for feeling it, for allowing it to happen. He hated...
No. f*ck. He could never hate Stolas. No matter how much easier it would be to just hate. Satan, he wanted to hate him. But if he did... it would still hurt. And it wouldn't hurt just him. It'd hurt Stolas. That's the last thing he wanted. f*ck... he didn't want to hate Stolas.
But then, who was there? Himself. He could hate himself. But he had always hated himself. It didn't seem like enough anymore, hating himself. Everyone in the party? No, he didn't hate them either. He was to blame for all of it. He hated himself more than ever. He hated himself for all of it.
Except, he didn't. As he continued to cry, he realised he wasn't feeling hate at all, not even towards himself. That was just what he wanted to feel. Anger was comforting. Hate was strength. But he didn't feel any of that.
He felt scared. Depressed. Hopeless. Weak. Vulnerable. And he didn't want to. It was so overwhelming, he could feel it wracking his body, felt it pouring tears from his eyes, felt it raw and yawning inside him.
He couldn't leave, he couldn't. He still felt so drawn to Stolas. He wanted to marched in there and...
But he didn't have the strength to even move. Let alone act.
So he remained in there, as time crawled and flashed by at the same time. The clock read an hour passed, then two. Finally, he felt his strength returning to him.
He couldn't be alone tonight. He had to go...
Somewhere.
Blitzø turned the key in the ignition. He took a breath, hesitating. Then he opened the portal.
He pulled forwards. Then he was on a street corner below Asmodeus's high rise.
He texted Fizz.
Wyd?
As he waited for Fizz's response, he searched for napkins in the garbage pile in his van, and wiped away his tears.
His phone buzzed. Blitzø jumped and checked it.
Y?
Need advice
OK. What's up?
Blitzø got out of the van and portalled into Fizz's suite.
"What the f*ck?" said Fizz, jumping in shock.
"Calm your ass, Fizz. I need to ask you something."
Fizz glared, irritated. "What is it, Blitzø?"
Blitzø breathed. "How'd it work out for you and that rooster f*cker?"
"What?"
"Me and Stolas... we're going through things at the moment. And... you and your royal boy toy seem to have a great relationship. How'd you do that?
"What'd you do, Blitzø?" said Fizz, narrowing his eyes.
"Why do you assume I did something?" snapped Blitzø defensively.
Fizz gave him a flat look.
"Okay, okay, I get it! I'm a piece of f*cking sh*t! I ruin everyone's life! Are you going to give me some actual advice, or just sit there criticising me?"
"Blitzø... what happened?"
Blitzø heaved a sigh. "I've been spending the whole day apologising to everyone I ever f*cked over. Except you, of course, coz I already did that. Because me and Stolas had this big fight. We used to have this... thing. Agreement. And he ended it last night when gave me this," he said, showing off the crystal. "An Asmodean crystal..."
He looked up at Fizz, who was staring it, shocked.
"Oh, f*ck," said Blitzø, realising. "He got this from your boy toy, didn't he? Did you know about it?"
"I gave permission for him to —"
"So this is your fault—"
"Don't you dump your problems on me! I'm not the one who drove him away! If he dumped your ass, I'm betting it's your fault!"
Blitzø sighed in defeat. "Yeah. It is," said Blitzø. "I just... hate myself so much, I just assumed he could never love me. I mean, who would? After all the sh*t I've done..."
"Blitzø, it's not about what you've done. It's about what you do. All that other sh*t is forgivable to someone who really loves you. And it seems like he does."
"I-I-I... I don't know how to change. I don't even know what a changed me even looks like. And I don't know if I've just f*cked it forever. And Stolas was so lonely, he sounded so unloved tonight, and it's all my fault... Just... tell me how you made your relationship work. Maybe then..."
"Maybe... you both need space... to figure sh*t out. And then you'll be able to come together," said Fizz. "Sometimes the best way to come together is letting go."
Fizz expected some kind of angry comeback. Instead, there were tears in Blitzø's eyes.
"I... I don't want to let him go. I lov—"
Blitzø cut himself off.
"Say it."
"I love him..." Blitzø said in a choked voice.
"That's a start," said Fizz.
"What do you mean, it's a start?" Blitzø shot out. "You said to let him go. That I should just... give up on him. How is saying that giving up?"
"Letting go isn't giving up. It's giving him space to come to you."
Blitzø looked up at him, teary-eyed. "You really think he'd do that?"
"If he cares as much about you as you hope, he will."
"And if he doesn't?"
"I don't know," admitted Fizz. "You'd have to ask someone who was abandoned. He came to me."
Blitzø wiped away his tears with a determined look in his eyes. "Maybe I will..." he said. "I was never here," he adds, before portalling away.
He went to the cuck of a husband that teacher client of his left behind.
"Who the f*ck are you?" he asked.
"Blitzo, the o is silent," said Blitzø, shaking his hand.
The man's demon form was something else. After his wife chainsawed him up into little pieces, he was covered in black scars that rivalled his own. Black streaks covered his arms and neck, and Blitzø guessed they went down further.
"And I guess you're Jarold, Mrs Mayberry's cuck of a husband."
"Ex husband, now," said Jarold. "How the f*ck do you know that?"
"She hired me, a while back. To kill that skan* you cheated on her with."
"So you're who I have to blame for those two getting together!"
"Oh please, you're the cheater, and this is Hell. Don't go pinning your mistakes on me. If she cheated back, that's got nothing to do with me. I just kill em, that's all."
"Then what the f*ck are you doing here?"
"To ask you what happened. To figure out how I can avoid it myself."
"Why should I?" asked Jarold. "I don't owe you sh*t."
"I'm sorry," said Blitzø. "If that helps. I'm sorry I took away your second chance."
Jarold sighed. "It wouldn't have mattered," he said. "I was already dead to her when we got here. We met and... it was like she didn't see me. She just saw the cheater."
"Did you let her go?"
"No. I tried to cling to her. I fought her on it when she and Martha got together. Like I was trying to prove something to her. But we were wrong from the start. We only got married because everything was pushing us toward it. I was desperate to f*ck, and it seemed the world was saying I couldn't f*ck till I was married. But even after we got hitched, she was prudish, and a man's got needs."
"f*ck. No wonder you f*cked that skan*."
"Yeah. But even after I got here, I still wanted her back. I wanted to pick back up where we left off, act like nothing happened, pretend everything was normal. I needed that. But that whor* dumped me like I was nothing, kicked me out like a stray dog."
"You don't deserve her."
"The f*ck do you know?"
"Satan, is this what I sound like? You sound like a f*cking bitch."
"Well, f*ck you too! I'll win her back, you'll see!"
"Whatever, bitch," said Blitzø, turning back and getting back in his van.
He portalled home. What a f*cking day.
**
Blitzø woke up to his alarm — an audio he'd taken of Stolas cumming, while he was tied up, blindfolded, and Blitzø was thrusting wetly into him.
f*ck. That did not wake him up in a good mood anymore. If anything, it made him feel worse.
"Gotta change that alarm," Blitzø mumbled.
"You can say that again," came Loona's voice.
Blitzø shot out of... couch. Oh right.
He stopped his alarm, and looked over to see Loona cooking in the kitchen.
"You came home late last night," she commented, as he sat up slowly. "What happened?"
"Nothing. Just... went to a party."
"You were gone all day, too."
"Yeah, I... Stolas was needy."
"Right."
She made them both eggs and bacon.
He looked up at her, eyes wet with emotion. "For me?"
"Yeah. Figured you needed it."
"Thanks, Loony."
He dug into his breakfast ravenously, shoving food into his mouth with his hands and tearing through it with his fangs. He finished it quickly.
"So what's that thing?" Loona asked, pointing at his arm. Blitzø lifted up his arm with the Asmodean crystal attached.
"Asmodean crystal. Stolas ended the deal last night. Gave me this instead. Lets us travel to Earth."
"What was he so needy about last night, then?"
Oh. Right.
"You know, just... feelings bullsh*t."
"Blitzø... what happened?"
"You know, just..."
"He get tired of you, like I said?"
"I don't know. Maybe. I think I just broke his f*cking heart."
"sh*t. So what happened? I need details."
"What for?"
"So I can help you, dummy."
"Why? Not like you're in a relationship."
She growled. "Fine. Be that way."
"No. Wait... I'm sorry."
She looked at him. "Wow. You really must be if you're apologising. Must be serious."
"I really hurt him, Loony. He went home with this guy last night wearing a 'Better Than Blitzø' shirt."
"Sounds like an asshole."
"He was f*cking charming. He let Stolas forget his misery... the misery I caused him, at least."
"Gimme your phone."
Blitzø handed it over without hesitation.
She went into his messages, tapped on Stols. "Really? This is what you f*cking sent him?"
"He usually laughs at my jokes," Blitzø pouted.
"Okay..."
Loona typed a few short messages to Stolas.
Hey Stols
Wanna chat
Can we meet?
Wanna apologise
"There," she said. "See if he answers that."
"What's the point? I already f*cked it up. What more can I say to him?"
"What does he want to hear? He tell you?"
"He wants romance. He wants someone to want him."
"Not just someone, it sounds like. You. You good with that?"
"I... I don't know..." Tears were edging at his eyes. "I f*cking... I want him. But... he deserves someone better."
"You tell him that? You said he was at a party? Was he drunk? Like, forget everything in the morning drunk?"
"I... maybe?"
"Then I think he needs to hear it again. If you don’t wanna die alone, you need to reach out to people."
"But it's hard!"
"I know it is. I reached out to Tex. And the hounds at Bee's party. Now it's your turn."
"Okay, Loony. I'll try."
Later that morning, Stolas sent Blitzø an address. And Blitzø left.
They met across the street from an apartment. The Better than Blitzø guy's apartment.
Stolas looked coldly down on him. "So, go ahead. Say what you want to say."
Geez. Stolas wasn't going to make this easy on him, huh?
That's okay. He probably deserved that. He could still do it like this. No problem.
"I'm sorry, Stolas. I really am. For not taking you seriously. For yelling at you, for hurting you, for... making you think I dont care."
"What about Striker?"
"What about him?"
"You didn't tell me about him."
"I thought you knew!"
"How would I know?"
"I thought that's why you invited me to Harvest Moon! So I could save you! You always do that sh*t, setting up excuses for me to rescue you. It's like a kink of yours."
"I never saw you rescue me. I was busy doing my duties. I didn't know I was in danger, I told you that!"
"I thought you were lying. Just like I thought you were lying about everything else."
"Everything else?"
"Laughing at my jokes. Complimenting my photos. Asking me about my day. Caring about me. I thought you just got off to being dicked by the lower class. I didn't think you actually cared, I thought you were stringing me along."
Stolas was looking horrified at him.
"What? Don't look at me like that. I guess you meant it all along. But why would I assume that? You're this big fancy prince, and I'm just a f*cking trash fire. Why would someone like you want me? It's ridiculous. It makes no goddamn sense."
"Blitzø..."
"So yeah. It's not so much that I think low of you. I think very highly of you. I think low of myself, I guess.
"I just... wanna go back to the way things were. When things were good between us. I'd be willing try anything to do that. But I guess that's... I mean, things have changed, right? I just... I just don't... wanna lose you, Stolas."
"I don't, either, Blitzø. But if you don’t love me..."
"Who says I don't?" snapped Blitzø. "Was it that asshole you got in there?" he said, sticking his thumb at the apartment across the street. "I'll tear him –"
"Blitzø," said Stolas, and Blitzø looked at him, his expression softening. "I need you to say it."
"What?"
"I need you to say you love me."
"I... love.... rrr! I can't," he growled into his hands. "It's not that I don't feel it! I do! I just... the last person I said that to burned. Like literally, they got... and I just... I hate myself so much... I can't..."
"You're not making any sense, Blitzø."
"I just... the point is... it's always been harder to love than hate. Love is... weak. It's always f*cked me up. I f*cking hate having to deal with love. That's why I always run from it. Because it destroys you."
"Well, I love you, Blitzø. Least you could do is be honest with me. Do you love me?"
"Love me...? Stolas, what? This doesn't make sense. You don't love me. How can you? I'm... me. I f*ck sh*t up, I can't... I'll just f*ck this up too. I don't know why I do, I just..."
"Maybe the reason why you 'f*ck sh*t up' is because you don't try. You cover up your true feelings and lead people to think the worst. Maybe you'd stop f*cking sh*t up if you were actually honest."
"Oh, come on, Stolas, I've always been a f*ck up, even before I did that sh*t. Everyone hated me —"
"I didn't," said Stolas. "And I'm willing to bet there were others, too, who cared about you."
There were. His mom. Fizz. Barbie. But that all changed after the accident.
Still, Fizz proved forgiveness was possible. So maybe redemption was, too.
Who are you kidding? You're a loser. And you'll always be a loser.
Those were the words of his father, not him. Still, they stuck. Blitzø had learned to tough it out, to ride the waves of the hate with bravado. But even he had his limits.
"Go back inside, Stolas. Don't think about me. You deserve to be happy. Satan knows I can't make you happy..."
Blitzø marched off.
Stolas followed him.
"What are you doing, Stolas? You should be in there with him."
"I don't want to be."
"Well, you should be. He makes you happy. You deserve to be happy."
"He's not who I really want."
"Bullsh*t he's not. I saw how happy you were with him. So go on. Don't waste time on a motherf*cker like me."
"You know I love you, Blitzø."
"Well, so do I! And I know you're with him, and you're happy, and I would just ruin your happiness if I got in the middle of it, but I... I can't do it. I can't just move on and say 'good for him, I hope he gets laid' because I want to be the one who f*cks you, I want to be the one who buys you flowers, and calls to you at the train station to stay with me, and kisses you in the middle of the party to make you forget the scumbag... but that scumbag is me, and I..."
Blitzø stopped abruptly. He turned around, realising Stolas had stopped walking several metres back.
"...what did you say?" said Stolas.
"What? What did I say?" said Blitzø.
"You... love me?"
"Oh. Yeah. That. Well yeah, I... So what?"
"So what?" repeated Stolas. "This changes everything. If you love me, and I love you, what's to stop us from being together?"
Blitzø sighed. "I'm gonna stop you right there, Stolas. Because life isn't as simple as a cheesy rom com. Love doesn't conquer all. Don't be so naive. Sometimes two people who love each other still break apart. Because we're all f*cked, and sometimes that gets in the way."
"It isn't naive. Love does conquer all. Whatever is f*cking you up, I'll be there to help you through it. Because I love you."
"I... how could you love me, still? He's better than me. You should love him."
"But I don't. To be honest, I thought I just wanted to be wanted, and he was a pretty distraction, but... I want you, still, after everything. I want you, and I don't want to want you, because it hurts, but I do. I guess there's no crawling out of the misery for me."
"I-I don't want to make you miserable," said Blitzø. "To be honest, I've been stuck in my own misery so long, I don't think I know what true happiness feels like anymore. To feel fully... myself, without shame. To be complete. That's why I shove away anyone who could get close to me, because I don't want to drag you down with me. But I guess I have been all along, just by letting you in my vicinity. My poison spreads through the air around me, and Satan damn you if you get too close."
"I don't want you to push me away anymore, Blitzø. I can take the poison, it's not going to be what kills me. Losing you is."
Blitzø looked up at Stolas, his eyes big and watery. "I don't want to hurt you."
"You're going to hurt me either way. But at least you can give me a say in how you hurt me."
"...Okay."
"The truth is, we're quite a pair. We're both broken, but our broken parts slot together like puzzle pieces. It just took awhile to see how they fit. There's no one else in Hell that fits me like you do, Blitzø. You feel like home. I've never had one of those before."
"Yeah. I've tried to make one for myself, but... yeah. You're like that piece I've been missing. The one who forced me to really look at myself without hiding under scribble marks. To recognise myself, in all the sh*t and the glory, and feel it mess me up, but not look away. You're the one who inspires me to be better, and make a home in my own mind, too. To make space for you."
Stolas smiled at him. A small smile came to Blitzø's face too, until it disappeared and he looked away.
"We really are a pair," said Blitzø. "Some pair. We can't seem as leave each other alone, can we?"
"Because we love each other," said Stolas. "Because we can't be without each other."
"I do love you..." said Blitzø.
Stolas stared at him. "That's all I want," he said. "Was it really so hard to just say that?"
Blitzø lifted his head at Stolas's question.
"To just tell me," Stolas continued, "that you love me? Why didn't you say that before?"
"Because I m not worthy," said Blitzø. "I'm not worthy of anyone's love, Stolas. Especially not yours. All I've ever done is f*ck up the lives of everyone I meet. I'm a black hole, sucking up joy. And I don't want... you to suffer like that, Stolas. I don't wanna curse your life like I do everyone else. But at the same time... I can't deny I love, and I want, you, and I don't want to. I feel like I deserve this pain. I'd even take it over never meeting you in the first place. And I hate it. f*ck, I'm a f*cking mess..."
"You're my f*cking mess."
Blitzø's head snapped up. "What are you saying?"
That seemed to catch Stolas off guard too. But he soon recovered. "It means I'm not over you. I still want you. And if you'll have me, I still think we can make this work."
Blitzø's lowered his head again. "Come on, Stolas. Be reasonable. I'm a loser. You could have anyone..."
"Not anyone," Stolas said sternly. But then he softened up. "But I take your point. It's all empty without you."
"Yeah... it is."
"Then you agree?"
"Give me some time, Stolas. Maybe then I will."
"Or maybe you don't have to do this on your own. Maybe we can figure it out together. Maybe staying alone has caused all this mess. Maybe you need someone to help you through it."
And there it was. Hope. Blitzø's eyes watered as he looked at Stolas.
Yet there was still doubt. "I guess. Maybe."
Blitzø's gaze drifted off into the distance, his mind elsewhere. He was only pulled out of his thoughts when Stolas sighed.
"Alright, Blitzø," said Stolas, and he sounded so defeated. "Call me when you're ready to not be alone.
Blitzø watched Stolas walk back to the apartment. He wanted to call out to him, to stop him somehow.
But he couldn't. Because Stolas was right, he wasn't ready yet.
Maybe there was hope in the future. Just not right now.
